What success truly means
My personal journey in defining it.
Once, I lay in bed, unwilling to move or go anywhere, convinced that self-worth ended when one has failed. The seventeen-year-old that I was believed herself to be no longer worthy of anything. Now, more than two decades later, I marvel at the strong ego of a young self, so sure of herself that a failure shatters her very reality.
I had failed my driving exam. Twenty years later, this self will once again fail another driving exam in a foreign country, but by virtue of time, she has gathered enough wisdom to acknowledge the external circumstances underlining it rather than hinging her self-worth on it. The day I failed my first driving exam marked the loss of my conviction—that I would succeed in anything if I put my mind to it. Up till then, I managed to delude the devil of failure in things I wanted to achieve, giving me the illusion of high self-worth.
My self-worth at that time was tied to success, and failure was the opposite of success. Success means never failing at anything. One of the main successes for me then was getting good grades—an utmost priority for the Chinese, and more so in the immigrant culture. The perpetual focus is on succeeding in studies to ensure a good job—preferably as a doctor, lawyer, or architect, in that order. In essence, true success is measured by the number of zeros in your bank account.
I was by no means spared from this view during my youth. I chased the mirage of happiness, which is money. Coming from a family that struggled with the lack of it, money became naturally the answer to everything. The answer to happiness. Spoiler: it isn't; conscious living is.
Success, in my case, means wealth. For others, success is also measured by other external achievements such as fame, higher job titles, social status, and social media influence. For some, success means fulfilling what others expect of them.
Success was painted for me by others, and subconsciously, that painting was still in my gallery. -
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Only after I managed to carve my way out of the rat race as an independent consultant, charging obscene money to companies to hire me externally for projects, did I begin to see the zeroes multiplying in my bank account while my happiness reduced.
A series of (un)fortunate events—breaking off from a relationship of 5 years, the death of my Ah Ma (paternal grandmother), and my father’s second heart operation—led me to take a sabbatical. I backpacked for one hundred days, constantly engaging with my first mind and experiencing awe and the sublime.
This led me to question the very fabric of reality and the yardstick by which I measured success. I returned, changed, or rather became my true self again, and vowed to pursue a life more aligned with my core values.
The Chinese values of self-sufficiency had not left me then, so my first conviction was to achieve financial freedom before I could finally live the way I wanted to. Anyone reading this will smile at the futile attempt to once again define success.
Needless to say, I spent a decade on this pursuit, which shadowed all the other meaningful events that happened since - meeting my soulmate, moving to a foreign country, learning a new language, marrying my said soulmate, and then making two new humans.
As someone who has walked on multiple paths (and still do in all with a part-time capacity; ask me next time about my juggling skills)—working for a company, working for myself, and working as a mother—I can say that none of them is particularly promising for the elusive success.
But I would say having the privilege of choice to live the different seasons of my life in harmony or to respond to unplanned circumstances as needed has been one of the blessings of my life.
Success is a dress you put on the mannequin of self-worth. Stripped of its adornment, it lays bare to what it really is. Isn’t the reason for success to feel worthy? Despite having decided that the corporate world is not for me, do I still not feel disappointed when I was overlooked for promotion? Do I not question whether I am less worthy than the others?
So when is one worthy of oneself? When is one finally successful? Joan Didion explored how true self-respect stems from personal integrity and internal validation rather than external achievements2. Only with self-respect can we truly acknowledge our worthiness.
To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth, which constitutes self-respect, is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent - Joan Didion, On Self-Respect.
The intrinsic sense of worth is the essence of self-respect. It is about understanding and appreciating oneself at a core level, empowering us to act harmoniously, equipping us with the armor against adversity, and nurturing self-compassion as a foundation on which loving others is built.
To stay in touch with our self-worth, we must live consciously, staying anchored to the present moment and mindful of our every action and its purpose.
Undoubtedly, my version of success and what constitutes self-worth will keep evolving. As I embrace conscious living, I discover that self-worth is not a destination to be reached but a continuous journey with oneself. Through meditation and self-compassion, I return again and again to the path of self-worthiness, redefining success each time I stray.
Success as a standalone noun is meaningless unless you define an action, it is an outcome (good or bad) of an undertaking. Too often, we generalize success, which then makes us either blindly feel good or lousy.
There can be success right after you fail something—you learn something from the failure, you pick yourself up from the fall ...
And what is a success to me, may not be viewed the same by others, and that is totally fine. :)
This is such a beautiful piece of writing, I loved every second of it. This quote really struck me "Success is a dress you put on the mannequin of self-worth. Stripped of its adornment, it lays bare to what it really is. Isn’t the reason for success to feel worthy?"