Hey Rachel, first of all, thank you for writing this. It's incredibly educational for those unfamiliar with Malaysian culture.
As a fellow Chinese Malaysian, I've always struggled with my identity. Growing up in a place where you're identified as part of a community that 'doesn't belong' is strange. I had the opportunity to attend various types of schools, but I was still conflicted about my understanding of who I am and what I represent. It's tiring to be continuously told to be 'more Chinese' and 'more Malaysian' simultaneously. Even more so when we must disclose our race on many official channels.
I've spent the entirety of my adulthood outside of Malaysia, which somehow made things more convenient, as I identified as an immigrant. London is an incredibly diverse and accepting city, with so much Malaysians can learn from. I'll never forget this one encounter on the train with a stranger in the UK, who, after patiently listening to my detailed explanations of my origins, said to me, 'You're Malaysian'.
On the Chinese part, I recently revisited China for an extended period. In some ways, it gave me a lot of clarity and got me closer towards my heritage, which I shunned growing up. It's something I'd recommend every Chinese Malaysian to do at least once.
Cultures have no good or bad sides; I take what I value from every culture and piece it together as a part of me.
These days, I identify myself simply as a 'Malaysian and a Londoner' because they've both shaped who I am today. Although I'm not the best 'Malaysian' or 'Chinese', I'm significantly more open to being in touch with my roots, and I intend to take more frequent trips to China.
I don't feel obliged or pressured to conform anymore, nor do I have to pick sides, particularly on the Malaysian vs Chinese front. It's liberating.
It's good that you feel no need to conform any more in whichever sides. We are all unique aren't we? :) I agree about the visiting china part, it did open my eyes but I am pretty sure I need to return to understand more, china is after all as big as a continent! I wasn't even in the southern are where my ancestors were from.
I also pick and choose what values I want to keep and adopt with a mix of my own. Life is interesting that way :)
I don’t understand how you can’t be both or create your own culture. I’m CBC - Canadian born Chinese. Suburban-bred by parents whose philosophy was “integrate, but in a way that you don’t lose touch with being HK Chinese.” This isn’t too different from many families who came before the huge migration in the late 80s (but after immigration opened up in the 60s). Basically, well-educated ethnic Chinese who came to Canada young. I see myself as Anglophone but know enough Canto to survive. I did focus on Chinese and East Asian history when I was a history major in university. Culturally, I’m pretty Anglo-Canadian. I’m uncomfortable to always respect elders, even if I disagree, for example. I’m a mom now and tbh, I didn’t really see major culture clash until my son started eating solids. I put my foot down, set boundaries and said I wasn’t going to start him off with rice porridge. His first solids were puréed vegetables. I was going to do baby led weaning but my mom (and also his nanny for liability reasons, I guess) won. We ended up doing a mix. I also won when it came to his education. I kept him at a smaller school for an extra year before moving him a larger school where he’s thriving!
Yes we are essentially both and more, because Malaysia itself is a mixed culture country. Many of us are third gen, fourth gen and even more, so at some point things blur out. It's just the complication of explaining our identity to others and even to ourselves.
As for the baby led weaning, I did it too and it has nothing to do with cultural. I had both sides, the German and the Chinese elders, who tried their best not to die of heart attack as my children ate by themselves :) it's more old vs new gen here. I did a mix at the beginning too to fill them up and later when they are more capable they just eat what we eat.
I should also say that since my husband is Jewish, our family also honours the more important Jewish holidays (except Yom Kippur. My husband isn’t good at fasting). Which reminds me…Rosh Hashanah is coming up!! Growing up, my neighbourhood was Ashkenazi (Jewish) and Chinese with some Indian families. The elementary school I went to for kindergarten was majority Jewish. A lot of the Chinese kids went to a Catholic school.
The brain drain is real. I remember seeing somewhere that the chinese population in Malaysia used to make up ~30% of the population and now it is around 20%, which is really sad. I am a product of that brain drain… my parents migrated to HK so I spent my formative years here and continue to work here, and one thing that I feel from my parents’ as well as people who have left is that we love Malaysia, but that feeling may not be requited 😅
One thing that my husband and I like talking about is how what goes around comes around, as he is from China, and when we actually compare our ancestors’ hometowns in China they are literally next to each other on the map. I used to always wonder what would have happened if my great-grandparents decided not to take the boat journey down south or have floated to Thailand or Indonesia instead, but seeing as wherever our ancestors have stayed, their descendants both end up HK so maybe things would just have come full circle 😌 also who knows what migration patterns may come in the future~
I do wonder too how things would have become if my grandparents did not brave it and set sail to an unknown land, bless them. My parents wouldn't have met in the little town in Malaysia and there will not be me of course!
But yes I hope for the day or mutual love and respect between Malaysia and all its citizens :)
Such a thoughtful and deep essay, Rachel. I relate to a lot of this, as a Taiwanese-American. It's annoying to me when people say I'm Chinese. That's like lumping someone into the same group as their oppressor. But having to explain all that history and why I feel strongly about it is also such a headache. I feel comfortable enough with my cultural identity in the sense that I'm able to accept and discard aspects of both western and eastern sides that I think are detrimental. Of course, the question, "Where are you REALLY from," still irks me sometimes, as well as its cousin, "How do you speak English so well?"
I also speak both English and Mandarin to my children, and hope that they will grow up with an appreciation for all layers of their histories.
this is a wonderful essay! I am grateful to learn that the united states is not the only society with race-based lenses. my mother is from Japan and my late father was white, and I grew up in Hawaii, which you would think is not a race-based community, but it can be. I feel fully American, but after many years on the U.S. mainland I've realized that not everyone looks at me and thinks of me that way, so I get the "where are you from" question, too.
I have raised my children with many of the Japanese tastes and values that I grew up with, and they've had to figure out that none of their friends live like that. They don't get asked where they are from because my husband is also mixed (Lebanese-white) so they look "exotic" but not completely one thing or another. But we listen to so many types of music, eat so many types of food, and are eager and open-minded about other cultures, and very often that is considered "quirky" or "weird." It's like you have to buy into the wider/dominant culture completely or you're not really American. It can be painful.
I see that American can be difficult in this way, I believe this hot question stem from there! It's so wonderful that your mixed family is open minded and eager to try things and learn about another culture, you all will fit right in in Malaysia! :) I believe that in the future, the landscape will be changing and many will have multiple cultures and heritage or even none. Hopefully then, our kids will feel "at home", wherever they choose to be!
Hi Rachel, this was so moving to read. Thank you for sharing your journey with navigating your personal identity amidst the different layers of cultural and societal collective identities we find ourselves a part of.
I realized while reading your essay the extent to which our own self-definitions and self-perceptions can be so significantly influenced by external reactions to and perceptions of our identities. As a Singaporean with Chinese heritage who has lived abroad over the past two decades, I've had many encounters with people who assume that Singapore is a part of China and who aren't aware of the distinctions between being Chinese as a race versus being Chinese as a nationality. For that reason, often my response has been to emphasize that I'm Singaporean, and not Chinese (as the assumptions I've encountered tends to be that identifying as Chinese automatically implies being Chinese in nationality, and as you had mentioned too, sometimes there's just not enough time, space, regard or attention given to us for us to be able to explain the nuances). So for many years I struggled to claim my Chinese heritage and cultural identity when I was abroad, in a way that felt authentic and true to me and my lived experiences.
I'm learning to reclaim and embrace these aspects of my identity I had tried to downplay before due to wanting to be able to give a simple and straightforward answer. I also really resonated with the end of your essay, about how the intention of the person asking the question makes a difference.
I'm learning to get comfortable with directly addressing misconceptions and wrong assumptions, while at the same time recognizing that I don't owe anyone an explanation about my identity and that I don't need to feel obliged to represent anyone or anything apart from myself. I feel like this has simultaneously given me freedom and also a sense of belonging (in that I'm not having to make myself fit into something or someplace).
I'm glad to have been able to read your piece, which has given me a lot of food for thought!
Hi Suyin, thanks for sharing your story too! I can imagine the frustration when people just assume your country with another!
And I really like what you said - that we don't owe anyone an explanation and not needing to fit into something or some place! That can be freeing indeed!
What a fascinating take on a question? In the US, it really depends on who asks me as to how I will a) answer it and b) interpret it as genuine curiosity or through an underlying lens of racism. A lot of Asian Americans ask more out of curiosity and the community aspect of it (lol so many aunties and uncles want to adopt me in their culture/community) so I am happy to oblige, and especially if it opens up more conversation where we get to learn about each other.
Gosh this really resonated with me. I am an Aboriginal Australian on my father's side and British Australian on my mother's side. It is incredibly complex trying to figure out where I belong. Being a part of two cultures (or more) really can feel like not being a part of either, but sitting somewhere on the sidelines of both. I go between telling people I am Aboriginal and telling them I'm an Aboriginal descendent from one side and a British descendant on the other. I try to embrace both, as well as helping my children understand their Vietnamese side from their father, my husband. I imagine they will have a hard time of all this too.
Indeed, it can be frustrating at times not being able to fully identify as "one side".
I'm also trying to combine cultures now in our family, my husband is German, and the same, I imagine too that it will not be easy for my kids as well. But I think it's a gift, to be exposed to various cultures and to be from more than one, it makes one more open and aware. And life is more interesting that way ;)
It certainly is more interesting! My kids are at ages now where they’re starting to understand more about all the cultures we belong to and the different things we can embrace and share. They really love Vietnamese food, which is so wonderful and I can’t wait to take them on a trip there.
That sounds really nice, I hope my kids will too when they are older! A trip there will definitely be a fun one for everyone! And who wouldn't like Vietnamese food? ;)
Hello Rachel. Thank you for sharing this story of Malaysians with Chinese heritage. You got me thinking about how I identify myself (I am much more boring than your story). When I joined the Air Force, colleagues were from all over and people tended to say the state they were from. But growing up, in that state--and going to a running event--we identified by city. In high school, we identified by which side of town one was from (only one high school in my large town). When I traveled to a few countries in East Africa, I identified by my country when someone asked me. In certain conversations where it is relevant, I say I am white.
Isn't it interesting how we are not just one thing that pervades our circles but identify ourselves as relative to a particular or perceived context--a conversational, geographic, demographic or task context. And then how we identify ourselves may or may not compete or align with the identity society seeks to impose on us or offer to us. We wear many hats...and I love that I cannot assume. I must ask or patiently wait for someone to bring it up after we have formed a connection. :)
You hit it on point - who we are or where we are from depends on the context! I do have different answers for some.
It is nice that you wait patiently for someone to bring it up after connection, such a positive way of looking at this question - for further connection!
I really felt what you said about the educational quotas. It filled me with a lot of bitterness also when I found out about it - which was pretty young. If not for me winning a scholarship to further my degree, I don’t think I could’ve completed my studies!
And I began plotting leaving the country in my head even then haha. This sense ofbetrayal that I’m not 100% welcomed in the land of my birth. Sigh, only we can understand the sting. I think to add to the bitterness, I’m Peranakan, which means my family has been here for at least two centuries. I’m not sure how long I must be in Malaysia to be considered Malaysian “enough”. And like you, I always felt a bit confused about my culture. Sometimes I think it’s much easier for those who are 100% Chinese, because they can clearly say they are from China and can even point which part of China they are from. My family has been here for so long we’ve lost that part!
It took me a long while to finally feel proud of being Malaysian ... ironically after moving abroad for a few years lol.
Yes, I also feel more belonging or realize the Malaysian in me when abroad. I guess we need to be out of it to have a better view and appreciation.
I also had to get a scholarship to further my studies, high five! And the brain drain from Malaysia is real, I don't know either what we can do about that.
I think for Peranakan the problem was you all got associated with the second wave of Chinese people, and people forgot that you all have even way older roots in Malaysia, which is a shame really. But we have also lost contact or association to where we are from in China, I can only guess the region base on our dialect/clan.
Thanks Rachel for writing this wonderful essay. As a fellow Malaysian Chinese myself , this sure resonates with me! I live in the UK for a long time now, I wasn't asked that many times about my origin. But... I do get the curious ones who are confused when they see my surname ( follow my hubby's Italian name) mismatch with my appearance and my English accent ! Honestly I find this interesting because it brings up many discussions on culture, history and politics in the conversations! Your essay reminded a lot on my younger days.
I have had the confused yet interesting discussion you did when people are curious to learn more. I also find them interesting especially if the asker is just genuinely curious. Yesterday, I was just asked by a colleague what my mother tongue is... that sparked another essay to come :)
I appreciate your nuanced essay on what could be a 'black' or 'white' subject. I've only visited Penang and KL, but what struck me was the diversity, what looked to be a harmonious living situation between the Malays, the Chinese and Indians.
But I guess there's always a story behind the way things look!
That being said, do you feel much more at home in Germany? How often do you return to Malaysia?
Thank you! Actually we do live harmoniously in day to day life. I appreciate it when I go to the morning market and we have many diverse stalls, all kinds of foods and mixture of languages all around. But unfortunately, like most places, there are also political and maybe some social issues.
In some way I appreciate many parts of the way of life here in Germany, generally slower paced, more focus on family than career, children are a big part of daily life and taken into account, and the openness. I do miss other parts of Malaysia though. Actually, a post will be coming up soon where a fellow substscker and I interview each other, stay tune!
We try to visit Malaysia every 2 years or so! The only gap was during the strange Covid years ...
Hello Rachel, thank you for writing this. As an Indonesian with mixed ancestry, and I grew up at Catholic schools (which in my origin province are dominated by Chinese descendants), I'm completely familiar with what you write in this essay.
Ethnicity wise, my ancestors were probably half Chinese (at least what my mum said from her paternal line), but if that so, we don't observe any Chinese traditions. But given my childhood friends and the churchgoers, the traditions are not foreign to me.
Having said that, my struggle with being asked where I'm from is my country doesn't speak English, and those holding the mainstream Western media, basically English-speaking people, don't know about Indonesia at all. I've lived in the Netherlands (where Indonesia is quite familiar, with foods etc, due to colonisation in the past), and the UK (where people go ?? about my home country).
And without the access to the outside world comes the prejudice.
Oh yes, Netherlands do have quite some good Indonesian restaurants I remember! We also import a number of Indonesian food items here in Germany via the Netherlands :) Many people may not know Malaysia too, I feel you. We can be the exemplar of our country and challenge their prejudice ;)
I so hear you Rachel! In today’s increasingly diverse world, I still believe people like us are still a “special minority” in that our heritage and nationality are such a complicated matter that it requires a lengthy essay (or two, or more) to clarify! lol But thanks to Substack, I feel so seen and heard and not alone!
Indeed we need an essay or two to fully clarify our identity! :) I do feel less alone now that I find that my case is actually not unusual at all. Substack does indeed give me a sense of belonging in some ways, letting me connect with likeminded people! Thanks for dropping by!
Hey Rachel, first of all, thank you for writing this. It's incredibly educational for those unfamiliar with Malaysian culture.
As a fellow Chinese Malaysian, I've always struggled with my identity. Growing up in a place where you're identified as part of a community that 'doesn't belong' is strange. I had the opportunity to attend various types of schools, but I was still conflicted about my understanding of who I am and what I represent. It's tiring to be continuously told to be 'more Chinese' and 'more Malaysian' simultaneously. Even more so when we must disclose our race on many official channels.
I've spent the entirety of my adulthood outside of Malaysia, which somehow made things more convenient, as I identified as an immigrant. London is an incredibly diverse and accepting city, with so much Malaysians can learn from. I'll never forget this one encounter on the train with a stranger in the UK, who, after patiently listening to my detailed explanations of my origins, said to me, 'You're Malaysian'.
On the Chinese part, I recently revisited China for an extended period. In some ways, it gave me a lot of clarity and got me closer towards my heritage, which I shunned growing up. It's something I'd recommend every Chinese Malaysian to do at least once.
Cultures have no good or bad sides; I take what I value from every culture and piece it together as a part of me.
These days, I identify myself simply as a 'Malaysian and a Londoner' because they've both shaped who I am today. Although I'm not the best 'Malaysian' or 'Chinese', I'm significantly more open to being in touch with my roots, and I intend to take more frequent trips to China.
I don't feel obliged or pressured to conform anymore, nor do I have to pick sides, particularly on the Malaysian vs Chinese front. It's liberating.
It's good that you feel no need to conform any more in whichever sides. We are all unique aren't we? :) I agree about the visiting china part, it did open my eyes but I am pretty sure I need to return to understand more, china is after all as big as a continent! I wasn't even in the southern are where my ancestors were from.
I also pick and choose what values I want to keep and adopt with a mix of my own. Life is interesting that way :)
I don’t understand how you can’t be both or create your own culture. I’m CBC - Canadian born Chinese. Suburban-bred by parents whose philosophy was “integrate, but in a way that you don’t lose touch with being HK Chinese.” This isn’t too different from many families who came before the huge migration in the late 80s (but after immigration opened up in the 60s). Basically, well-educated ethnic Chinese who came to Canada young. I see myself as Anglophone but know enough Canto to survive. I did focus on Chinese and East Asian history when I was a history major in university. Culturally, I’m pretty Anglo-Canadian. I’m uncomfortable to always respect elders, even if I disagree, for example. I’m a mom now and tbh, I didn’t really see major culture clash until my son started eating solids. I put my foot down, set boundaries and said I wasn’t going to start him off with rice porridge. His first solids were puréed vegetables. I was going to do baby led weaning but my mom (and also his nanny for liability reasons, I guess) won. We ended up doing a mix. I also won when it came to his education. I kept him at a smaller school for an extra year before moving him a larger school where he’s thriving!
Yes we are essentially both and more, because Malaysia itself is a mixed culture country. Many of us are third gen, fourth gen and even more, so at some point things blur out. It's just the complication of explaining our identity to others and even to ourselves.
As for the baby led weaning, I did it too and it has nothing to do with cultural. I had both sides, the German and the Chinese elders, who tried their best not to die of heart attack as my children ate by themselves :) it's more old vs new gen here. I did a mix at the beginning too to fill them up and later when they are more capable they just eat what we eat.
I should also say that since my husband is Jewish, our family also honours the more important Jewish holidays (except Yom Kippur. My husband isn’t good at fasting). Which reminds me…Rosh Hashanah is coming up!! Growing up, my neighbourhood was Ashkenazi (Jewish) and Chinese with some Indian families. The elementary school I went to for kindergarten was majority Jewish. A lot of the Chinese kids went to a Catholic school.
Yes so our future generations will be a mix of even more cultures! I find that as a positive sign, we can pick and choose the best of all worlds ;)
It’s been a pleasure to read your article!
The brain drain is real. I remember seeing somewhere that the chinese population in Malaysia used to make up ~30% of the population and now it is around 20%, which is really sad. I am a product of that brain drain… my parents migrated to HK so I spent my formative years here and continue to work here, and one thing that I feel from my parents’ as well as people who have left is that we love Malaysia, but that feeling may not be requited 😅
One thing that my husband and I like talking about is how what goes around comes around, as he is from China, and when we actually compare our ancestors’ hometowns in China they are literally next to each other on the map. I used to always wonder what would have happened if my great-grandparents decided not to take the boat journey down south or have floated to Thailand or Indonesia instead, but seeing as wherever our ancestors have stayed, their descendants both end up HK so maybe things would just have come full circle 😌 also who knows what migration patterns may come in the future~
I do wonder too how things would have become if my grandparents did not brave it and set sail to an unknown land, bless them. My parents wouldn't have met in the little town in Malaysia and there will not be me of course!
But yes I hope for the day or mutual love and respect between Malaysia and all its citizens :)
Such a thoughtful and deep essay, Rachel. I relate to a lot of this, as a Taiwanese-American. It's annoying to me when people say I'm Chinese. That's like lumping someone into the same group as their oppressor. But having to explain all that history and why I feel strongly about it is also such a headache. I feel comfortable enough with my cultural identity in the sense that I'm able to accept and discard aspects of both western and eastern sides that I think are detrimental. Of course, the question, "Where are you REALLY from," still irks me sometimes, as well as its cousin, "How do you speak English so well?"
I also speak both English and Mandarin to my children, and hope that they will grow up with an appreciation for all layers of their histories.
this is a wonderful essay! I am grateful to learn that the united states is not the only society with race-based lenses. my mother is from Japan and my late father was white, and I grew up in Hawaii, which you would think is not a race-based community, but it can be. I feel fully American, but after many years on the U.S. mainland I've realized that not everyone looks at me and thinks of me that way, so I get the "where are you from" question, too.
I have raised my children with many of the Japanese tastes and values that I grew up with, and they've had to figure out that none of their friends live like that. They don't get asked where they are from because my husband is also mixed (Lebanese-white) so they look "exotic" but not completely one thing or another. But we listen to so many types of music, eat so many types of food, and are eager and open-minded about other cultures, and very often that is considered "quirky" or "weird." It's like you have to buy into the wider/dominant culture completely or you're not really American. It can be painful.
Thank you again for this reflection!
I see that American can be difficult in this way, I believe this hot question stem from there! It's so wonderful that your mixed family is open minded and eager to try things and learn about another culture, you all will fit right in in Malaysia! :) I believe that in the future, the landscape will be changing and many will have multiple cultures and heritage or even none. Hopefully then, our kids will feel "at home", wherever they choose to be!
Hi Rachel, this was so moving to read. Thank you for sharing your journey with navigating your personal identity amidst the different layers of cultural and societal collective identities we find ourselves a part of.
I realized while reading your essay the extent to which our own self-definitions and self-perceptions can be so significantly influenced by external reactions to and perceptions of our identities. As a Singaporean with Chinese heritage who has lived abroad over the past two decades, I've had many encounters with people who assume that Singapore is a part of China and who aren't aware of the distinctions between being Chinese as a race versus being Chinese as a nationality. For that reason, often my response has been to emphasize that I'm Singaporean, and not Chinese (as the assumptions I've encountered tends to be that identifying as Chinese automatically implies being Chinese in nationality, and as you had mentioned too, sometimes there's just not enough time, space, regard or attention given to us for us to be able to explain the nuances). So for many years I struggled to claim my Chinese heritage and cultural identity when I was abroad, in a way that felt authentic and true to me and my lived experiences.
I'm learning to reclaim and embrace these aspects of my identity I had tried to downplay before due to wanting to be able to give a simple and straightforward answer. I also really resonated with the end of your essay, about how the intention of the person asking the question makes a difference.
I'm learning to get comfortable with directly addressing misconceptions and wrong assumptions, while at the same time recognizing that I don't owe anyone an explanation about my identity and that I don't need to feel obliged to represent anyone or anything apart from myself. I feel like this has simultaneously given me freedom and also a sense of belonging (in that I'm not having to make myself fit into something or someplace).
I'm glad to have been able to read your piece, which has given me a lot of food for thought!
Hi Suyin, thanks for sharing your story too! I can imagine the frustration when people just assume your country with another!
And I really like what you said - that we don't owe anyone an explanation and not needing to fit into something or some place! That can be freeing indeed!
What a fascinating take on a question? In the US, it really depends on who asks me as to how I will a) answer it and b) interpret it as genuine curiosity or through an underlying lens of racism. A lot of Asian Americans ask more out of curiosity and the community aspect of it (lol so many aunties and uncles want to adopt me in their culture/community) so I am happy to oblige, and especially if it opens up more conversation where we get to learn about each other.
so nice that aunties and uncles want to adopt you into the community! I wish there's more Asian community here in Germany too.
Gosh this really resonated with me. I am an Aboriginal Australian on my father's side and British Australian on my mother's side. It is incredibly complex trying to figure out where I belong. Being a part of two cultures (or more) really can feel like not being a part of either, but sitting somewhere on the sidelines of both. I go between telling people I am Aboriginal and telling them I'm an Aboriginal descendent from one side and a British descendant on the other. I try to embrace both, as well as helping my children understand their Vietnamese side from their father, my husband. I imagine they will have a hard time of all this too.
Indeed, it can be frustrating at times not being able to fully identify as "one side".
I'm also trying to combine cultures now in our family, my husband is German, and the same, I imagine too that it will not be easy for my kids as well. But I think it's a gift, to be exposed to various cultures and to be from more than one, it makes one more open and aware. And life is more interesting that way ;)
It certainly is more interesting! My kids are at ages now where they’re starting to understand more about all the cultures we belong to and the different things we can embrace and share. They really love Vietnamese food, which is so wonderful and I can’t wait to take them on a trip there.
That sounds really nice, I hope my kids will too when they are older! A trip there will definitely be a fun one for everyone! And who wouldn't like Vietnamese food? ;)
Rachel, this is a gorgeous, thoughtful piece and I learned so much. Thank you so much for writing it and sharing it with the world
Thank you for the inspiration and for dropping by! :)
Hello Rachel. Thank you for sharing this story of Malaysians with Chinese heritage. You got me thinking about how I identify myself (I am much more boring than your story). When I joined the Air Force, colleagues were from all over and people tended to say the state they were from. But growing up, in that state--and going to a running event--we identified by city. In high school, we identified by which side of town one was from (only one high school in my large town). When I traveled to a few countries in East Africa, I identified by my country when someone asked me. In certain conversations where it is relevant, I say I am white.
Isn't it interesting how we are not just one thing that pervades our circles but identify ourselves as relative to a particular or perceived context--a conversational, geographic, demographic or task context. And then how we identify ourselves may or may not compete or align with the identity society seeks to impose on us or offer to us. We wear many hats...and I love that I cannot assume. I must ask or patiently wait for someone to bring it up after we have formed a connection. :)
You hit it on point - who we are or where we are from depends on the context! I do have different answers for some.
It is nice that you wait patiently for someone to bring it up after connection, such a positive way of looking at this question - for further connection!
Hello Rachel,
I really felt what you said about the educational quotas. It filled me with a lot of bitterness also when I found out about it - which was pretty young. If not for me winning a scholarship to further my degree, I don’t think I could’ve completed my studies!
And I began plotting leaving the country in my head even then haha. This sense ofbetrayal that I’m not 100% welcomed in the land of my birth. Sigh, only we can understand the sting. I think to add to the bitterness, I’m Peranakan, which means my family has been here for at least two centuries. I’m not sure how long I must be in Malaysia to be considered Malaysian “enough”. And like you, I always felt a bit confused about my culture. Sometimes I think it’s much easier for those who are 100% Chinese, because they can clearly say they are from China and can even point which part of China they are from. My family has been here for so long we’ve lost that part!
It took me a long while to finally feel proud of being Malaysian ... ironically after moving abroad for a few years lol.
Yes, I also feel more belonging or realize the Malaysian in me when abroad. I guess we need to be out of it to have a better view and appreciation.
I also had to get a scholarship to further my studies, high five! And the brain drain from Malaysia is real, I don't know either what we can do about that.
I think for Peranakan the problem was you all got associated with the second wave of Chinese people, and people forgot that you all have even way older roots in Malaysia, which is a shame really. But we have also lost contact or association to where we are from in China, I can only guess the region base on our dialect/clan.
Thanks Rachel for writing this wonderful essay. As a fellow Malaysian Chinese myself , this sure resonates with me! I live in the UK for a long time now, I wasn't asked that many times about my origin. But... I do get the curious ones who are confused when they see my surname ( follow my hubby's Italian name) mismatch with my appearance and my English accent ! Honestly I find this interesting because it brings up many discussions on culture, history and politics in the conversations! Your essay reminded a lot on my younger days.
I have had the confused yet interesting discussion you did when people are curious to learn more. I also find them interesting especially if the asker is just genuinely curious. Yesterday, I was just asked by a colleague what my mother tongue is... that sparked another essay to come :)
I appreciate your nuanced essay on what could be a 'black' or 'white' subject. I've only visited Penang and KL, but what struck me was the diversity, what looked to be a harmonious living situation between the Malays, the Chinese and Indians.
But I guess there's always a story behind the way things look!
That being said, do you feel much more at home in Germany? How often do you return to Malaysia?
Thank you! Actually we do live harmoniously in day to day life. I appreciate it when I go to the morning market and we have many diverse stalls, all kinds of foods and mixture of languages all around. But unfortunately, like most places, there are also political and maybe some social issues.
In some way I appreciate many parts of the way of life here in Germany, generally slower paced, more focus on family than career, children are a big part of daily life and taken into account, and the openness. I do miss other parts of Malaysia though. Actually, a post will be coming up soon where a fellow substscker and I interview each other, stay tune!
We try to visit Malaysia every 2 years or so! The only gap was during the strange Covid years ...
Hello Rachel, thank you for writing this. As an Indonesian with mixed ancestry, and I grew up at Catholic schools (which in my origin province are dominated by Chinese descendants), I'm completely familiar with what you write in this essay.
Ethnicity wise, my ancestors were probably half Chinese (at least what my mum said from her paternal line), but if that so, we don't observe any Chinese traditions. But given my childhood friends and the churchgoers, the traditions are not foreign to me.
Having said that, my struggle with being asked where I'm from is my country doesn't speak English, and those holding the mainstream Western media, basically English-speaking people, don't know about Indonesia at all. I've lived in the Netherlands (where Indonesia is quite familiar, with foods etc, due to colonisation in the past), and the UK (where people go ?? about my home country).
And without the access to the outside world comes the prejudice.
Oh yes, Netherlands do have quite some good Indonesian restaurants I remember! We also import a number of Indonesian food items here in Germany via the Netherlands :) Many people may not know Malaysia too, I feel you. We can be the exemplar of our country and challenge their prejudice ;)
I so hear you Rachel! In today’s increasingly diverse world, I still believe people like us are still a “special minority” in that our heritage and nationality are such a complicated matter that it requires a lengthy essay (or two, or more) to clarify! lol But thanks to Substack, I feel so seen and heard and not alone!
Indeed we need an essay or two to fully clarify our identity! :) I do feel less alone now that I find that my case is actually not unusual at all. Substack does indeed give me a sense of belonging in some ways, letting me connect with likeminded people! Thanks for dropping by!