In the grand scheme of things
what truly matters
Recently, life threw me a curveball, an adversity to face. Though it is not regarding life or death, this unexpected challenge deeply impacted me, leading me to question a project I had dedicated a decade of my life to. With it came disappointment, anger, sadness, guilt, and embarrassment.
“In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing,” I kept telling myself.
But that mantra did little to alleviate my despair. I found myself stuck in a state between guilt and depression, and no amount of logic could lift me up. This challenge's weight had literally lodged itself in the pit of my gut.
Thus began my quest for ways to confront this adversity. One approach I took was to draw upon the search for awe. I spent time contemplating the vastness of the universe, pondering questions like: How many stars are out there? There are more stars than grains of sand on a beach. How far away are they? They're at distances beyond what my mind can truly grasp. And their age? They are so ancient that the entirety of human existence, or even the Earth's existence, is merely a blip in comparison.
“If the entire history of the universe, estimated to be about 13.8 billion years, were condensed into a single year, Homo sapiens would have appeared only in the last few seconds of December 31st.”1
Since I cannot travel now, I try to evoke awe with "mind traveling." It helped to bring me back into perspective on how small my problems are in the grand scheme of things, even if they can be overwhelming at the moment.
This perspective helps contextualize our individual struggles and recognize their transient nature. It aligns with the philosophy of stoicism, which encourages living in harmony with nature and our place within the larger cosmos.
“Everything is interwoven, and the web is holy; none of its parts are unconnected. They are composed harmoniously, and together they compose the world.” - Marcus Aurelius, in "Meditations"
I do not know much about Stoicism, but it reminds me very much of my Lai Ma and Lai Pa, my nanny and her husband, who took care of me for the first five years of my life. They are the epitome of Stoicism for me. I have never seen them waver in the face of adversity.
When my Lai Ma was diagnosed with stomach cancer around 20 years ago, they faced the challenge with unwavering strength, handling it together without burdening others. It was only once, as a teenager, that I managed to convince them to let me accompany them to Penang for one of Lai Ma’s chemotherapy sessions, offering my support. Looking back, I realize they probably agreed more for my sake than theirs. This realization chokes me up.
Their stoicism carried them through those tough times, and I am endlessly grateful that Lai Ma is still alive and well today.
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” - Epictetus
During her fight with cancer, my Lai Ma remained calm and centered. When asked about it, she would just reply without much emotion, “ma gam lo”. This Cantonese phrase means, in essence, “It is what it is.”
It's easier said than done, of course. So, how do we master our reactions like Lai Ma did?
According to the Stoics, perception plays a crucial role in our lives; it is not the external events that disturb us but rather our interpretation of them. The basic Stoic belief is that we should focus on what we can control—our emotions and reactions—while accepting what we cannot change.
Stoics view adversity not as a setback but as an opportunity for growth, allowing us to practice virtues such as justice and courage. Developing the wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot control is essential to navigating life's challenges effectively.
The aspect of stoicism that resonates with me at the moment is the encouragement to practice accepting things beyond our control. Accepting life's events with equanimity doesn't signify surrender; rather, it means recognizing the reality of our situation and working within those limits to maintain inner peace.
This point on sustaining inner peace through acceptance naturally leads me to Buddhism, a philosophy to which I’ve had considerable exposure. I am also a struggling practitioner of meditation. Buddhism also equips one with ways to face adversity.
"Be compassionate to yourself," a monk in Thailand once said to me during one of our sessions as I was going through the 10-day meditation Vipassana course.
Cliche as it sounds, it was like an enlightenment. I was a few days in then, and those first few days were really hard as we were forced to face our internal demons. I found myself harping a lot on the past; this is perhaps a letter for another day. With this simple phrase, I was given love by the one, if not the most important person of all—myself.
As I dug deeper into self-blame for my current adversity, I eventually found the strength to step out and view my situation from a third-person perspective. This shift allowed me to feel compassion for myself, breaking the cycle of endless self-criticism. This compassion was just what I needed to get out of the downward spiral of blame.
Besides being compassionate to ourselves, we should also be willing to seek compassion and love from others. In times of darkness, a friendly helping hand or some well-intended words from someone you respect may be just what you need.
As I turned 30 nearly a decade ago, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Right before that, I got my heart broken, and at the same time, I broke my wrist in a car accident and had to undergo the first operation in my life, all alone in South Africa. I was fortunate to get to recover under the care of my Godsister and her family. On my birthday, we were exploringPorto together, my arm cradkled in a makeshift sling.
Realizing then that people and my relationships with them are like beacons of light in the darkest times, I wrote letters to the few who had played an important role in my life, asking them for some words of encouragement and wisdom in the guise of a gift of words for my birthday. I was met with an outpouring of heartfelt messages, and I have carried these embers with me throughout the last decade.
"Courage is not something you already have that makes you brave when tough times start. Courage is what you earn when you've been through the tough times and discovered that they aren't so tough after all." - a dear friend wrote this in one of these replies.
He was right. At that time, I did not fully understand what he meant, but now I do because I have been through that tough time, and truly enough, they are not so tough in retrospect. I have earned my courage, which I will draw upon now to face my current difficulties.
I hope to emerge from this tough time again as a better person and earn a new badge of courage. Adversity is an opportunity for growth, said the Stoics. It reminds me of my values and shows me again what is truly important and not in the grand scheme of things.
Now, surrounded by my loved ones - my husband and children - I am once again carried by love through the valley of adversity. This shared journey of overcoming adversity strengthens our bonds, and we will grow stronger together. If we are still alive and we are together, nothing else truly matters, in the grand scheme of things.
https://www.scienceabc.com/nature/universe/cosmic-calendar-universe-365-big-bang-compress-history.html